Asking guests to bring something to your gathering isn't rude—it's a must

By Jennifer Brandt Heilbron

You know those friends that say, “Just bring yourselves!” when they invite you to their house? Yeah, I’m not that friend—I’m the one that has plenty of suggestions. For some reason, a lot of women, especially moms, feel guilty when they have to ask for help in any way. I don’t know if we’ve been conditioned to feel like we have to “do it all” and smile while doing it, but I do know that if mid-life has taught me anything, it’s that leaning on your village is not just okay- it’s NECESSARY!

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Take Thanksgiving, for example. This has become “my holiday.” I started hosting Thanksgiving 20 years (and two marriages) ago, and it has carried with me through four houses and two more kids. Turkey day is MINE—but the actual turkey, I do not make. 

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Let me explain: When I first started the tradition of hosting our family and friends, my mom would come over and we would make the turkey together. But as time went on, I found myself not only not enjoying that tradition, but dreading that process of it. It required a complete takeover of the kitchen, it’s messy, it’s time consuming, and also does anyone reaalllly care about the turkey? Let's be honest, some professional out there is going to make a much more delicious turkey than me. So eventually, I decided to order a pre-made turkey (or two, depending on how many guests we have) that simply requires reheating.

This small change in my annual tradition opened up a whole new realm for me as far as how I approach entertaining. Not only is outsourcing my new love language, but it’s made me very comfortable “assigning” items or tasks for guests to be in charge of. Long gone are the days of guests just bringing themselves, my friends. Oh no! I’m not suggesting that you do nothing but supply the location and EVERYTHING gets brought in, but there are certainly a few creative ways (that aren’t just dessert or wine) to take the pressure off. 

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Here are a few ideas for ways to enlist your village when hosting:

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Fully plated cheese board

Charcuterie and cheese boards always add an elevated vibe to a party. Pinterest is full of ways to create a little cheese board, and while I appreciate when friends offer to be responsible for one, I always ask that they have it fully plated and ready to go when they arrive. No one wants to wait as you drizzle the honey, sprinkle the nuts, and zhuzh the charcuterie. Have your guests do the prepping at home, and deliver the goods! Pro tip: Assign the cheese board to someone that doesn’t run late. If your Aunt Sue is the last to arrive at every event, this is not for her. This is something you’ll want to really have ready by the time guests arrive.

Ice, ice, baby

When I host a party, I usually set up a drink station and have a beverage tub ready to go with a couple bottles of wine or beer, some soda, etc. However, my freezer doesn’t make enough ice to pour into the tub, and I like to save that ice for any cocktails or water I will be serving at the table. Therefore, if someone insists on helping or bringing something, a bag (or two) of ice from the grocery store is HIGH on my list. They enter the house, they dump in the tub. And boom. Let’s party.

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Hey, Mr. DJ

Unless you’re into music from the dinosaur ages, I’m not necessarily the one you want to DJ a party. I mean, I don’t have terrible taste, but my “Hey, Alexa, play jazz music that’s nice to cook to” isn’t going to keep the party poppin’. Asking a friend with a big music library to bring their favorite playlist is a great way to take one of the biggest and most important pieces of a party off your plate: The VIBE!

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Help me clean

One of the ways that makes hosting Thanksgiving doable is that my mother-in-law graciously hires a housekeeper to come for a couple hours during and after the event. This amazing contribution has been a HUGE entertaining lifesaver. Having someone there to help clear dishes and do some light cleaning (like loading the dishwasher and packing leftovers) allows me some freedom to actually enjoy this special holiday and spend time with my loved ones. The next time you are going to a party at a friend’s house and they seem a little stressed, perhaps instead of bringing the salad, offer to pitch in for a housekeeper to take the pressure off your friend.

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Adventures in babysitting

Sure, bringing baked goods to a gathering makes everyone happy. But, bringing a babysitter makes everyone happy and makes life easier! Kids have entertainment and adults have the ability to actually start a story and finish it without getting “mom” bombed.
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Don’t get me wrong! I love a family hang, but if someone really wants to bring something, when there are a lot of young kids that need a little extra herding, I am not afraid to ask them to bring an older sibling or a babysitter to help. Is there a camp counselor or young sports coach your kids love? Offer to hire them for an afternoon to set up games like wiffle ball or even just keep an eye on the kids if they’re swimming or riding bikes. 

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And last but certainly not least…

Mixology me

Okay, I don’t really mean bring a fancy Mixologist. BUT if you do insist on bringing some sort of beverage, I always love when friends come with a pre-mixed pitcher (or two) of cocktails and garnishes, so counters or bars aren’t cluttered with people trying to DIY their spicy margs and such. This is not only helpful as far as cleanup, but it can be a fun way to tie together a theme!

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So, I want to know: What’s your favorite thing to bring to a party? Aside from me….

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Jennifer Brandt Heilbron is a Los Angeles-based writer, comedian, and "that mom" that screams too loudly at the baseball field. Jennifer lives in a frat house with her husband, three sons, and her (also) male labradoodle Will.